Bravery?
March 14, 2006 by Laura | Trackback URI
The problem with insomnia and the internet is that one click leads to another. It was rather shocking to find this news article, “Simpson’s mother praises divorce decision” several links down the line from a Drudge article.
Jessica Simpson’s staunchly Christian mother Tina has praised the singer for filing for divorce from Nick Lachey, insisting ending a marriage takes a lot of bravery.
In another article, “Simpson was terrified to leave marriage,” Jessica Simpson said, “But then you just have to realise that if you’re not happy, you can’t make anybody else happy. When you walk away and there’s no gravitational pull, then you know you’re doing the right thing.”
It’s not shocking that a Christian is getting divorced, if they are in fact Christian. Unfortunately, we have allowed our lives to become so diluted by the culture that in many ways we are indistinguishable. But it is rare to see a public affirmation of divorce by a Christian. The divorce rate for Christians is the same for the rest of the country, a fact for which we should all feel ashamed. It doesn’t take bravery to leave a marriage. It takes cowardice. (If there is abuse, obviously, LEAVE. I’d even help you pack. That ought to go without saying.) Bravery is putting your word first and your overhyped emotional “needs” last. Bravery is living up to a vow that you would put the other person’s interests before your own, with the intention of glorifying God. Bravery is waking up every day next to a person you don’t especially like and asking God to help you love them the way He does. It’s washing their socks when you’d like to punch them in the head. Day after day, continually asking God to help you love your spouse. If Matthew 7:7-8 is to be believed, that prayer will be answered.
Even aside from the faith, there’s a lot to be said for sticking it out. According to this study,
two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.
[...]
Why did these marriages survive where other marriages did not? Spouses’ stories of how their marriages got happier fell into three broad headings: the marital endurance ethic, the marital work ethic, and the personal happiness ethic.* In the marital endurance ethic, the most common story couples reported to researchers, marriages got happier not because partners resolved problems, but because they stubbornly outlasted them. With the passage of time, these spouses said, many sources of conflict and distress eased: financial problems, job reversals, depression, child problems, even infidelity.
* In the marital work ethic, spouses told stories of actively working to solve problems, change behavior, or improve communication. When the problem was solved, the marriage got happier. Strategies for improving marriages mentioned by spouses ranged from arranging dates or other ways to more time together, enlisting the help and advice of relatives or in-laws, to consulting clergy or secular counselors, to threatening divorce and consulting divorce attorneys.
* Finally, in the personal happiness epic, marriage problems did not seem to change that much. Instead married people in these accounts told stories of finding alternative ways to improve their own happiness and build a good and happy life despite a mediocre marriage.
In her defense of her daughter, Mrs. Simpson said,
It took a lot of strength to know what she wanted to do and divorce Nick.
About as much strength as it takes me to eat chocolate cake and watch CSI.
Great post. I am tired of seeing so many divorces within the “Christian” community. It is absurd. It is just part of this culture that has lost the meaning of marriage and the vows behind it. Marriage has become dating it seems - if it “isn’t working” I can just end it. Silly.
A guy named Gary Thomas wrote a book called Sacred Marriage that takes a wonderful look at marriage. Very well worth the read.
Of course, I am saying all this as someone who is single!
Cheers
Matt
I agree, it IS frustrating… I don’t blame anyone for getting a divorce where abuse and adultery are concerned. But the whole concept of “unreconcilable differences” or “we just don’t love each other any more” just makes me mad.
The Man Of The House and I have had our rough patches but we stuck it out and I’m grateful every day that we did because we now have a fabulous, happy, Godly, marriage. I’m blessed every single day I have with him. I tell friends who consider divorce, WAIT. Just wait a while.
People are more interested in what feels good than what IS good. I tell my daughter, do what’s right and you’ll feel good about it and yourself. That’s the order things need to occur in - good feelings follow good actions. So far, so good - she’s a really great teenager. If she ever marries I pray that she keeps to that ethic.
Amen sister
You are right; it doesn’t take strength to get out of a marriage - only courage to stay in! No wonder we don’t have many people reaching milestones of 10, 25, 50 years of happy marriages - nobody is willing to forgive or forget. They go into marriage with the attitude, if it doesn’t work out for ME, then I’ll divorce him/her.
Marriage is a two-way street - it takes both partners in the playing field, to be willing to sacrifice a little of self in order to live a happy life. Thank goodness I married such a man. We will celebrate 42 years of wedded bliss this July!
42 years! That’s wonderful! Congratulations!
I believe this with all my heart, but unfortunately my husband is unforgiving and bitter. We are both Christians, and I have let him down again and again - spending too much - lying about the money - and when I got a grasp on that - finding emotional attachment through letters to another - someone I only met one time. My husband is bitter. This letter writing campaign took place 4 years ago. It is over. Although he has only mentioned divorce a few times, it is always in light of “we would both be happier.” I daily experience contempt from my husband. I am praying, changing, and begging God to do a miracle, but life is hard and not very happy. I will be sticking it our to the end..as long as he will.
Dee, I hope you guys are in a good church and getting support and counseling from your pastor. If you’re not, try to find a good church ASAP. I attend a Sovereign Grace church (it’s reformed charismatic) and heartily recommend it. Also, this Carolyn Mahaney book is excellent: Feminine Appeal.
I’ll be praying for you…. please let me know if I can pray for anything specific or if I can help in some other way.
laura@pursuingholiness.com
Also, I really enjoyed doing this 3 part study on Forgiveness. It has links to resources from people a lot more Godly and smart than I am, and is really just my notes as I tried to work some things out. It may point you and your husband to some good information. The John Piper sermon is outstanding.
Forgiveness and Acceptance