My husband had a meeting with one of our pastors yesterday, and he reported that the pastor commented on how impressed he was with how we’re dealing with the, um, “very challenging” developments in our lives. My response: “Heh. I didn’t know Jeff smoked crack.”
I don’t think I’m dealing with things well at all. I’ve hinted at what’s going on, and I’m still not at liberty to discuss the details, but in the end it doesn’t really matter. We all have serious problems to deal with at one time or another. I go back and forth between angry and cynical, grateful for a number of good things that are happening alongside the bad ones, and just weeping and not really being able to explain why – even to myself. I swear a lot more lately – almost as much as I pray. Everything is in turmoil, yet I feel oddly calm. It’s all very strange, and through it all we’re still doing our jobs, shopping, cleaning the house, serving at church, and taking care of my mom. About the only thing I can control is Tetris, which I’m playing far too often. Well, this too shall pass. Right? Right. But at the end of it, what will my testimony be? Will I be repenting my lack of faith, or praising God for his faithfulness? (Or both?)
Peter said,
Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.
(1 Peter 4:12-13)
Job went through a good deal more than I’m dealing with, and he was described by God as “righteous.” So why should I, decidedly unrighteous, be surprised at the trouble which has come my way? It’s the human condition. I’m reading and listening to the bible a good deal, as well as reading Spurgeon’s Beside Still Waters, which is very comforting and calming. Not deep theology; just a reminder of what I already know. And when I opened up e-Sword, the random verse it opened to was in Psalm 73:
When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart, I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
(Psalms 73:21-26)
I pray things get better and soon. I know it is hard.
And, I am loving Beside Still Waters. It is awesome!
I do hope and pray that things get better and there is a good resolution to your situation.
I know that Job went through so much and can be an inspiration but I never quite feel that way reading about him. It kind of scares me to think how far and how deep the destruction can go. I’m afraid I’d lose it and not be considered too righteous…..
But then I don’t think you really know how much you rely on God until you are in a position where you have nothing but God to rely on.
Years ago I was on staff at a church, and we had a guy on staff from Zimbabwe. In response to a comment that people prayed for his people group because of their poverty, he said that they prayed for us in our abundance because it was harder for us to rely on God.
I’m also learning the meaning of phrases that used to aggravate the crap out of me, like “the sacrifice of praise.” (You know that worship song?) I used to think, “what kind of stupid song is that, praise isn’t a sacrifice! A sacrifice is financial giving or giving up your time to serve. Praise is just what we do.” But the first month all this started, my husband and I would just doggedly show up at church for service when it was the last thing we felt like doing and during worship we’d just cry – while still singing – because as much as we hurt, we knew that God was bigger and we had to choose to trust him. So the sacrifice was to put aside our feelings about this situation and choose to trust the reality that God had a plan and we needed to thank him for it, and welcome it. Well, it sounds stupid, put that way, but I’m not sure how else to explain it. Suffice to say the phrase makes more sense to me now than it used to.
I also have a much better understand of God’s love for us as a father and provider. I don’t think I would have understood these things the way I do now any other way than going through it.