Wayback Giant Buttered Cat Array

I have been so hooked on the internet for so long it’s hard to imagine that I grew up without it.  Well, sort of.  The year ET came out I was 14.  We used to log in to DEC’s mainframe (don’t ask…) and play Zork all night.  Good times.

From the Department of Ancient Internet Humor… I haven’t taken a wayback trip in a while, but Physics Geek’s old joke reminded me of something amusing.  I don’t remember whether I first read this on a BBS or on Usenet but I still love this old Omni Magazine contest that made the rounds back in the day and is just as funny now:

GRAND PRIZE WINNER:

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. And when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

The Buttered Cat Principle

The Facts… If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter- side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on it’s feet.

The Problem Stated… But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat’s back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on it’s feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?

The Answer… Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That’s right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat’s limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of hundreds of tabbies.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn’t do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several thousand tons of red- hot starship and ticked off aliens crash on top of them.