Is That Me On Your Milk Carton?

I haven’t been posting much for the last few days. Sorry. (And thanks, Amanda, for checking on me. ) I have fibromyalgia and some other health problems that are chronic, and sometimes they flare up and cause me real problems for a few days/weeks/months… then the symptoms subside again. I’ve been struggling for the last several months. Now I have an acute problem as well. So where have I been? In part, having a pity party and being scared. I have a lump where a lump should not be.

I fear pain. It’s a normal response – if you don’t fear pain, it’s a sign of a serious mental illness. (Note: that fear can be overcome and often is – but the basic aversion to pain should be there.) If you don’t feel pain, it’s a sign of a serious physical illness. Pain is a gift from God to let us know that something is wrong and needs to be dealt with. But I haven’t exactly cultivated gratitude for it yet. I’m used to chronic pain, but now acute pain has been added to the mix like a good dash of cayenne. On Friday, it’s going to be worse as the doctor digs around with sharp objects. I don’t mind saying I dread it. But… this is, on a microscopic scale, similar to what Jesus went through. He knew he had pain and death in his immediate future. He sweated blood over it. (The Discovery channel had a wonderful medical explanation for that, by the way – extreme stress will do it.) In spite of his natural aversion to pain and death, he went through with it anyway.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:15-16)

I know about fear, and like pain, it comes in two varieties. Real fear, as Selvinskiy describes, like a stone in your chest. And panic, like what I’ve been experiencing for the last few days and which crescendoed last night. I’m not sweating blood, in part because the rational part of me knows that this is going to be okay, and in part because I am finding grace to help in time of need. I guess that grace is fueling the rationality.

One benefit to this whole problem is that I’m transitioning my business into something different – I’ve been thinking and talking about it for some time, but now it’s time to act. And the change will be good for me and for the other people involved. So, I’ve been curled up in the fetal position, figuratively speaking, for the past few days, but now it’s time to stand up again. And because of God’s grace, I can.

[Updated: All is well.]