PSA: Seat Savers Are Jerks

There, I said it. If you get to church early every week and then scatter your possessions over a range of chairs greater than 110% of the width of your backside plus that of your attending spouse and children anywhere in the first six rows, then you are a jerk. If you have invited guests that you are VERY confident will show up, you get a pass for this offense, not to exceed six (6) incidents of seat saving per calendar year.  Repeat guests after six (6) visits shall henceforth be considered “attenders” and be required to get their own seats.  Seat saving is only permitted until the last note of the last worship song fades away, at which point all “saved” seats revert to common ownership and are fair game for ushers to assign to anyone.

Exceptions:

• You may save seats anywhere in the back 60% of the sanctuary at any time, because nobody cares who sits in the back anyway.
• Saving seats up front for people with vision or hearing problems is permitted at all times, but it is preferable to place them on the far left of right of the sanctuary instead of in the prime seat real estate of front-and-center.

I’m posting these rules publicly in response to a recent outrage at my own church – which has been a MODEL of generosity and giving since Hurricane Katrina.  One person committed the offense of actually picking up someone else’s sweater and bible from several “saved” seats and replaced them with possessions of her own!  The nerve of that woman!  Doubtless she has some rationalization for her behavior but the fact is all good Christians should and must shun her until she repents.

Now, these “rules” I’m making up are completely ridiculous.  I know that.  But Christians – remember, called to a life of humility and sacrifice – act like a pack of two year olds when it comes to getting “their spot” in church.

To you seat savers, let me start with “Lighten up, Francis” and continue with some advice:

1. Consider why you’re so bound and determined to have THOSE SEATS, BY GOD!!1!.   Do you think it’s appropriate to get so  angry – oh, for your sake I’ll call it “annoyed” – that you don’t hear much of the sermon because you’re arguing in your head with the person who made a move on your turf*?  If you think these seats are so superior to all the other seats in the church, why is it that you’re refusing to share them with your brothers and sisters in Christ?  Is it loving, generous, or kind to withhold what you perceive as the best from other people?  Meditate on these things until you start to feel a bit foolish and then you’ll be ready for the next step.
2. Next, spend a month sitting in each quadrant of your church sanctuary.  You will meet some new people or have a few moments to reconnect with folks you don’t see that often.  You will find that you really can hear the music and sermon pretty well from all corners of the sanctuary.  (Your church’s sound team has worked hard to make it so.  Be sure to compliment them.)
3. Omit the excuses about different spots in the church being too hot, too cold, or too anything.  Bring a fan, bring a sweater, bring a fresh 8-pack of crayons and a coloring book for the kid who annoys you, bring a smile for the mother of the baby who squalls because even if you’ve never been that woman, at some point in your life you have been a crying baby, and thank God she’s even come to church at all.  Offer kindness and grace to people who annoy you.  Meditate on the fruit of the Spirit, and thank God that those people are contributing to your sanctification.

In all seriousness – the Christmas season approaches and church Christmas plays are the absolute pinnacle of seat-saving hostility and selfish behavior, all in the name of getting our lost friends and family into the church so they can hear the gospel and learn about the love of Christ.

Just think about it, okay?

*How do I know you do this?  From lengthy interviews with current and past seat savers, plus the fact that I used to do it too.  So don’t bother denying you’ve reacted this way; no point in compounding your sin  with a lie.